Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Random menopausal thoughts...

1) Never say "you can always adopt" if you have a loved one who can't physically have biological children. Duh. That is an option, yes, however more sympathy less solution-orientedness.

2) Never say "Oh I didn't know you wanted children" no explanation needed. Idiot.

3) If you are related, kind-of related or even acquaintances with someone suffering from infertility or premature menopause, ovarian failure, anything that would make it impossible to get pregnant and have children, give them support. Talk about it. One of my good friends wasn't able to get pregnant for years (however she has been blessed and is now in her second trimester!). I remember feeling like I couldn't or shouldn't bring up the topic with her. I was wrong. I should have talked about it more than I did. She probably wanted to and/or needed to talk about it. Being a mother was one of the most important aspects of life to her, and being a father was one of the most important aspects of life to her husband.

Just like when Tyler died (my soul-mate dog) in May...I WANT to talk about it. I want to relive my wonderful memories of him. That's the only way to keep him alive. Yet, I find myself rarely talking about him. My niece Gracie talks to me about Tyler. That's really the only person. Children are so smart. I guess I can't wait until Gracie is old enough to realize Aunt Sarah can't have babies and may need to talk about it.

Being faced with not having children is hard. Its a loss, like a death. We need to grieve. Not acknowledging this makes us feel like we're making a big deal out of nothing. This IS a big deal.

A brave, awesome girl contacted me a few weeks ago via email. Her name is Sarah too. She thanked me for writing this blog. She was diagnosed with cancer and has been struggling through the chemotherapy, radiation, roller-coaster of emotions and mortality issues that accompany cancer. She is younger than me (which is REALLY young!:) She said reading this blog gave her an idea for something that may prove therapeutic and she may try being open about her cancer.

Another friend of mine, Barb, from back home in Iowa, is a TWO-TIME breast cancer survivor. Her FB updates revolve around her journey. I love her honesty, her raw hope and struggle and keeping up with her battle against breast cancer.

Apart from rambling, venting and spewing out random thoughts..I'd like anyone to know that its a really big deal when a woman finds out she cannot have a child. I don't care if she already has 4 children and is 45 years old, or if she is 35 and never thought about having children. Part of being a woman is being able to carry a child, to carry a miracle, to create a life with your soul mate and to bring that life into this world.

This is taken from the book, "The Art of Racing in the Rain":
     "I admire the female sex. The life makers. It must be amazing to have a body that can carry an entire creature inside....other than a tapeworm, which I've had but that doesn't count as another life, really. That's a parasite that should never have been here in the first place." (told through the eyes and viewpoint of Enzo, the mutt in the story.)

One more thing...if you know someone experiencing fertility issues, in premature menopause or anything along those lines...reach out to them. Put your differences aside and reach out to them.

Every single day that I wake up I grieve for the baby I will never carry to term, deliver and raise. Every day I see toddlers, my nieces, pregnant women, and I grieve. And every night before I go to bed I thank God for all my blessings and I know He has a plan for me.


  1. Sarah,
    I am so thankful for this blog and you. When we were faced with infertility and devastating news of what extreme measures we would have to take and the very tiny percentage that we could conceive afterwards we were overwhelmed and scared. I thought people especially family and close friends would be supportive. Instead they said "You just need to relax and take a vacation" or my favorite "You need to adopt because people ALWAYS get pregnant when they adopt." I would look at them and usually say nothing or assure them we were trying not to get stressed. But the hard part was that I knew a vacation or relaxing wouldn't magically make my ovaries work. It was hard to listen to everyones expert opinion on my fertility and their story of someone they knew that had the same thing and got pregnant. So we stopped talking. Which didn't make it easier either. I love your blog and your honesty. I love that I get to know your heart, hurdles and triumphs a little more and know how to pray for you and your fabulous husband. So today I thank God for the blessing you are to voice this journey that you are on to help myself and others.
    Thanks Sarah, Tracey

  2. I love you Tracey. I love that my husband and you have maintained a good friendship throughout all these years so that I have been able to have you as a part of my life as well. THANK YOU for the support and kind words. Can't WAIT to get up to the Twin Cities to stay with you and your beautiful family:)

  3. Sarah I understand what you are saying. I love to talk about my parents, yet when people know they are dead they never bring up the subject. You are also correct when you say that it doesn't matter your age. I am 49 and beginning menopause and it makes me very sad. About 7 years ago I was at the ob/gyn and the nurse who was doing the preliminary stuff looked at me and said, "Are you still menstruating?" I was surprised at how offended I was by her question. I wanted to yell, "YES and if I had a husband I be having more children!" I'll listen just like Gracie anytime you want. ML

  4. We can't wait for you to visit! The door is always open! I love love love that you are the one that finally settled that man down. He needed you. You know I prayed long and hard for you! :) t