Sunday, December 26, 2010

Woah hormones...

The obvious distractions aside, you know what the really difficult thing about menopause is? The *#(&*(& hormones!!! Its horrible! I'm supposed to change my estrogen patch on set days throughout the week. I forgot to take a patch out of town with me recently and you would've thought I turned into Sybil (for those of you new to this world Sybil was the first person diagnosed with multiple personality disorder in the 1970's). It was horrible. I cried more than I have in a long time, gave my husband a hard time about trivial issues and felt like the world was coming to an end.

That, my friends, is one of the most difficult things about menopause; feeling like I'm going crazy when I don't have a hormone patch to change. My girlfriends and relatives of the same age are thinking about breast-feeding and fertility issues, maybe losing weight, training for a marathon, not hormones. So I had my little 5-minute pity party and tried to get over it.

Then, I woke up this morning. It was probably the 115th-120th morning I've woken up feeling like I'd done a dance marathon the day before. Problem is, there was no dance marathon yesterday. It doesn't matter if I do anything, I wake up sore more than half the time.

Frequently when standing up after sitting for a long time, I have to get all the kinks out, its like I'm 90 ($*&* years old and I hate it.

My doctor says these are all issues we have to work out with my hormone levels. I think its horseshit that I literally have the body of a 60 year-old. When I say it, I'm not exaggerating or being funny, I literally have the body of a 60 year-old.

Lack of estrogen and other hormones for as long as I was without, causes long-term damage and effects to the body. Some of the symptoms of that damage is the fact that my back and hips hurt, my knees crack and sometimes I just feel old and creaky. Like stairs in an old Victorian mansion. Beautiful and aged, yet old and creaky.

Monday, December 20, 2010

You can still talk about children around me.

Hey you - you can still talk about having kids around me! And you - you can still talk about trying to get pregnant in my presence! And you - please keep telling me about your doctor visits I love living vicariously through you!

And you, especially YOU...please ask my husband how he is doing. And you, over there, who doesn't like me, please still talk to him, he needs to know people care too.

And you - don't be afraid to talk to me or ask me questions. I'm fine with everything and frankly, it would be nice to know you cared.

That's all for now.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

When trauma brings about love and new friendships

For every tragedy there is a triumph...for every loss of friendship there is a new one...for every lost battle there is a lesson learned...for every girlfriend of my husband's who I wasn't 'too sure of' when we first started dating, there is a new good friend.

The past months have been difficult to say the least. Certain people have bent over backward to make sure I'm ok, see if I need anything or anyone to talk to. I'm a private person by nature. The fact that I write two blogs, a dating column and have a Facebook page with more than 2,000 friends is completely out of character for me. Let me repeat - I am a private person by nature.

Just because I am okay with the whole world of blog readers to know I am prematurely post-menopausal doesn't mean I share anything beyond that easily. The inner-workings of my mind, my insecurities, my hopes and fears, my dreams and secret guilty pleasures. The people I spend too much time thinking about, the elephants I cry about and the dogs I pray for. Very few people know any of this.

So, I found it strange that during what I will (someday) affectionately refer to as 2010, I became close to the least likely people in my life.

That's really all that needs to be said. There's something to be said for strong, independent and confident women who will reach out to another woman when she is in pain. There is something to be said for people who embrace people because they're good people, not for any other reason. There is something to be said for people who are able to not think about themselves for a brief period of time and during that time, put someone else's feelings before theirs.

I love good people. You guys know who you are. Thank you for letting me open up to you and thank you for not giving up. Thank you for opening my eyes to the fact that while I am powerless to change people's opinions and actions, that doesn't mean it has to be a reflection on me.

Monday, December 6, 2010


My mom sends me a text message last night "Look at the front page of the Gazette." The Gazette, (the Cedar Rapids Gazette) is my home-town newspaper. I googled it, and saw the front page was a picture of a dog at the Cedar Valley Humane Society (yay for the Gazette helping the animal shelter!). The dog was precious, just adorable. Her following texts were about how cute the dog is, and how she wanted to run right down there and get one.


My mom is a wonderful mother, grandmother and grand'dog'mother. She really is. She has come a long way over the years. One of my fave pics is of my mom (all 100 pounds of her) snuggling up to Stella, my extra-large black pit mix. They're snuggling. So cute! Well lets just say my parents travel A LOT and a dog does not fit into their lifestyle. So, my mom gets her 'dog fix' whenever she comes to KC to visit me and Kurt.

I reminded her of this. I included an invitation to come to KC next weekend if she needed her dog fix. The great thing is, she is really making strides because we were just home for Thanksgiving with our 150+ pounds of dog in tow!

So, I get to thinking about this. And I thought how sometimes its really difficult to be around my pregnant friends. Or to talk to them. Ultrasounds are kind of hard. But really, I can live vicariously through them. I had a good friend over for dinner last night and she brought her BEAUTIFUL baby girl. Her daughter is five months old. She has the most amazing blue eyes and a smile to die for. I just wanted to eat her she was so cute.

They spent a good several hours at the house...I held the babygirl...played with her and walked her around the house. We looked at the Christmas tree. It was wonderful.

So mom, I guess we have yet one more thing in common - you can't have dogs so you come stay with me anytime you need your fix. And I can't have kids so I will call upon one of my many amazing friends or my brother and sister-in-law whenever I need my 'baby fix'.